Oh The Challenges Part II

Marriage: I would assume most parents would agree that bringing a child into your life changes things. My husband and I talked a lot about how we wanted to try to prevent the shock of this baby changing our marriage.  We had many conversations about "we have to find time to be husband and wife", "we have to work together",  "we have to support and be there for each other".  I don't think any amount of prep can really prepare you for what it's like to bring a helpless little baby home.  It was really hard for me because I was breastfeeding and I was the only one who could get up in the middle of the night plus Ted went back to work.  I was home all day and felt a bit isolated and as the days went by it was hard to to feel resentful or lost or sad even though I was so overwhelmingly happy to have this precious girl.  We were both dealing with figuring out how to be husband and wife AND mommy and daddy at the same time, we struggled to do it well :-)  Now that Brynn is sleeping through the night, happier and a little easier we've been able to find more time to reconnect. I know it will be work but hopefully I'll marriage will be stronger because of it!
Letting Go:  I have learned in the past few years that I am a bit of a control freak. It has been hard to let other people help me.  I want to do it all MY way, on my time, in my order.  Those of you who know me well know I have many pet peeves.  I now have a long list of ones I can add under the subheading: parenthood.  Things, all kinds of things, bug me and I just not sure how to let it go.  I know I have to.  I can't do this all by myself and it's not always going to go according to my plan.  I'm slowly starting to learn how to just take a deep breath and let others (my mom and Ted) do it their way and tell myself it will be just fine :-)
Free Time: Many people told me that I need to take a break.  Do something without my baby.  Get away.  I haven't felt a strong need for that.  I don't want to leave her.  It makes me a little anxious to do it even though I know she is in very safe and capable hands.  However, a few days in these past few months I've just wanted a day to read.  I can do that with her around but sometimes I just want to read ALL DAY without feeding, changing, soothing etc.  That's what I long for.  Not time away or vacations or a break.  Just uninterrupted time to read.  I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting that.

Maybe they'll be an Oh The Challenges Part III???   Stay tuned

The Working Mom

I don't want to work.  I never thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom this badly.  I love teaching and love the getting ready for a new class, and the first day of school BUT I don't want to leave my baby girl!  I have been having anxiety for weeks now thinking about having to sub 3 days a week, having to find daycare that would use our cloth diapers, pumping, Brynn taking a bottle. .  which she doesn't do well at all, soooo many things.  How do people go back to work full time?? She's going to be over 4 months old.  I can't imagine leaving her any earlier.  Why can't we be one of those countries that pays for 6 months of maternity leave.  I get anxious leaving her for a couple hours with my mother who I trust 100%.  I had an interview this week and a tiny part of me hoped they wouldn't like me.  However I was pleasantly surprised when the job was only 3 days a week half days and I could make just as much subbing 3 whole days!!  I actually got excited about this job and thought "I could do this."  If it's only 3 half days my mom will take Brynn and I can relax a little plus I get to be home with her more than I thought.  I have another interview tomorrow and hope it's for a similar amount of time. Wish me luck!!
This year will be hard for us financially for sure.  We're going to have to give up going out to eat, put home improvements on the back burner and cut out frivolous spending.  A very wise mother I know said she never regretted having to make sacrifices in order to stay home and raise her babies.  Maybe we'll have to sacrifice until our kids our a bit older.  Maybe I'll want to go back full time when Brynn is older.  Maybe we won't be able to survive with me working part time and I'll have to go back full time.  Who knows what the future holds.  Hopefully it's something great :-)

Oh the Challenges

My child is currently entering her 13th hour of sleep so I thought I'd try to get something written quick.

I've been thinking about these past few months and all the challenges of parenthood and of life.

It started at about 35 weeks pregnant.  My blood pressure started going up and my body started to swell.  Each week it nudged up a little higher.  Then at 37 weeks I went into the hospital to be monitored over night for preaclampsia and HELLP syndrome.  I'd never been in a hospital before and I can't say the experience was enjoyable.  But my blood pressure went down and so did the swelling.  Off to bed rest for the next 3 weeks. But as a posted before my body didn't cooperate and I ended up having to be induced and then sectioned.  I think I handled all the unexpected pretty well.  There were days I sobbed and asked "Why Me?" and some days now I get angry that I didn't get to experience birth the way I wanted but I have hope some day I will. 

Then while I was home on bed rest I found out that my school was not going to renew my contract and I would not have a job for the following school year.  Talk about stress on top of stress.  But I still tried to stay positive and I kept telling myself "Maybe this is God's way of telling me I should stay home with my baby."  I applied everywhere but no luck.  I'm lucky that I am a teacher and I can sub and at least make money for my family without filling out more job applications and doing interviews.  It's going to be a very hard year for our family.  We're really going to have to give up a lot of eating out, buying on impulse and try to make it work.  Thank God I have this beautiful little girl to cheer me up every day and I'll give up everything to make sure she's happy.

Of course things happen in 3's.  Brynn was almost one month old and I was on my way to a La Leche League meeting and I got in a car accident and totaled my car.  We were both ok. . she actually never even woke up.  We were shopping around for a new car at the time and were going to keep my and trade my husbands.  Isn't there some sort of saying about "When you make a plan God laughs"??  So for two weeks I had to depend on my husband to drive me around (his car is a manual and I never learned!). 

Maybe I'm in denial, maybe I just handle stress well, maybe I really truly believe everything will be alright but right now with all the crap we've had to deal with I'm happy.  Being a parent has truly fulfilled my life and I'm starting to think this is really what I was meant to do in this life.

Baby woke up. . .  stay tuned for Oh the Challenges PART II

Breast is Best

So another decision I had to make as a parent before my baby was even born was "How will this baby get food?"  I can't really remember what made me decide that breastfeeding exclusively was right for us.  ONE of the many great benefits is of course. .  it's free!!  At this time in our lives we would be broke if we were buying $25 cans of formula every few days.  I read more books on breastfeeding then I did about birth or parenting or anything else.  After reading them I just can't imagine why anyone wouldn't choose to.  There are just so many awesome benefits:  antibodies, immunities, comfort, soothing, bonding, closeness, health and probably a ton more I can't think of right now off the top of my head.  I guess I do know why some people choose not to.  It's a really big commitment and it's hard when you're the only one able to feed your baby but in my experience those feelings only lasted the first few weeks when everything was overwhelming, new and hard.  From what I've read and heard from other moms if you don't have an awesome supportive group of family and friends around you people tend to stop and give up.  I was incredibly lucky that Brynn latch on like a champ and aside from having to change positions with her we haven't really had trouble.  The trouble has been more about those well-meaning people who give unwanted advice and make hurtful comments like:
"Just give her a bottle so you can have a break"
"You're just pacifying her"
"She's hungry again??"
"She just ate she's not hungry"
"Once she starts asking for it you have to be done."
"Are you still breastfeeding?"
"Give her a pacifier so she's not using you"
"How long are you going to breastfeed?"   
Now some of these comments I take maybe too personally when someone was just innocently asking a question but really people.  WOuld you ever ask someone "Are you still giving her formula?"  No you assume babies are fed milk . . .when they are babies.  To me those kinds of questions imply that I should be switching to formula or some other form of feeding because that seems like that's just what people do.  Not me :-)  I had a friend a while back confide that she wanted to nurse her baby until she was 2 or 3 and I did one of those "that's too old" comments in my head.  Lo and behold now that I'm a nursing mommy myself, I find myself thinking the same thing.  I love being able to feed my baby.  Especially now when she looks up at me, pops off the boob and gives me a huge milky smile. .  couldn't be better.  So the answer to that last questions:  I'm going to breastfeed until Brynn doesn't want to.  Go ahead roll your eyes, say it's gross, think it's too old once they start talking or having teeth or whatever you're thinking.  Just keep it to yourself please :-)