Being Thankful

I am thankful that I lost my job.  Yes it sucks to worry about money.  Is it worth it to pay $30 to go out to eat when I could probably fill two grocery bags for that.  All new clothes purchases are for Brynn.  I can't just go to Walmart and cruise the aisles and pick up cute stuff.  Yes we have to put off home improvements projects on our house we had so many hopes and ideas for.  Yes, I worry about the future.  How will we save?  WHat happens when Brynn starts needing more "stuff"?  There are so many negatives to living on one income but I tried really hard to get a job and it didn't work out.  I have to believe God has a plan for me.  Maybe it's doing something different.  Maybe it's just taking a break. But what I'm thankful for is:  TIME.

I have spent 97% of the last six months (it's her half year birthday today :-) with my daughter.  I have gotten to see 99.9% of her "firsts."  {Grandma saw her clap for the first time but luckily there is video! }  I would have never chosen to quite my job and be a stay at home mom.  I would have never been that brave or taken that big of a risk.  But it was chosen for me and for that I'm thankful. 

I'm also thankful for the time I've spent with my family.  MY grandma is going on 94 years and I've always had a special relationship with her.  For the past few months I've met my mom there and we spent Wednesday afternoons together.  I'm so thankful for those Wednesdays.  I know if I had been working I would be too tired, I wouldn't want to leave the house, it would be inconvenient. . . blah, blah blah.  My daughter is getting to know her Great Grandma, her namesake.  There's no telling how much longer she'll be with us, although she's one tough little old lady and I wouldn't doubt for a second she could easily live past 100.  But it is so fun seeing how excited she is when Brynn comes over ( I don't think I'M her favorite anymore).  I don't know that I've ever really seen her like that.  My grandma gets so excited to just watch Brynn when she giggles, how she stares at the scary porcelain owls, how she discovered she has hands.  She loves to be able to hold her, or smell her or just rub her soft skin.  I'm getting a little choked up thinking how thankful I am that I have the time to allow them to form a bond and I hope and pray she'll be around long enough so Brynn will remember her.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to go out, meet other moms and kids.  I've met some great women who have chosen to stay home and they have welcomed me into their playgroups, invited me to their houses, and made us feel welcome. It keeps us busy with playdates and events and it keeps this mommy sane. I would have never had that opportunity if I had been working.

Yes, life isn't the easiest right now and I will have to start working about at some point but right now I'm just thankful I'm home, with my tiny little princess, soaking up as many cuddles and loves as I can :-)

Just a Few of my Favorite things. . .

It seems like there are so many little things happening so fast.  Every day I feel like I say "Guess what she did today?"  Some of them make my heart melt because she knows I'm her mommy.  About two weeks ago she made the decision to sit up.  I say it that way because it seems like there wasn't much:  sit her up, watch her tip over, sit her up again, watch her tip over.  It seems like one day I sat her up and she just stayed there.  She's so happy to sit and play and reach. . and talk.  She is very noisy.  She likes to moan and growl if there is anything in her mouth. . which is most of the time.  She is also into screaming and not matter how many times a day she does it, it still makes me laugh.  Just yesterday she suddenly discovered her hands.  She held one out and just stared and flipped it over and over.  She's going through a little bit of separation anxiety right now.  If I leave the room she tends to immediately cry. .  it's pretty fake and cute though.  She's also recognizing strangers.  A few times someone has held her and she gets scared and starts crying and one time she actually put her little arm out and leaned towards me to rescue her!!  She just got a high chair last week and loves to sit in it.  I put water in the tray and let her play to keep her occupied so we can eat our food.  She does this weird thing where she pounds in the water and then lifts her arms behind her head and rubs.  She does that with newspaper too.  She's been "eating" her toes when I change her diaper.  She loves to sit up in the tub and splash and she tries so hard to get the drain.  Her daddy seems to be the only one who can really make her laugh and I love listening to that sound in the house.  Brynn gets so excited when one of the animals gets close to her, especially the dog. Unfortunately they are not so excited about her. She's actually thrown a few fits if Bosco leaves the room.
My most favorite things she has been doing is "hugging."  When she's hungry she puts her tiny chubby hand around my neck, buries her face in my neck on the other side and makes a little impatient squeak.  When someone she's not really sure about talks to her she does the same kind of thing as if it check that mommy is the one holding her and its ok.  After she nurses herself to sleep and I put her up on my shoulder she wraps her fingers around my neck.  It makes me want to hold her forever :-)
I'm sure if I sat here long enough I could think of another handful of things but these are the ones that make me smile 20 times a day, make me enjoy being a mommy to this chubby little princess even more, and love her to pieces.

FEARs

As a new parent I have fears.  I'm sure all new parents do.  Some plague my dreams.  Some I obsess about every night.  Some just pop up occasionally.
The monitor:  Every night before I go to bed I have a moment of panic that the monitor will break, the battery will die (came close once), OR the volume turns off and I can't hear her (that did happen once).  If you have been to our house you know our bedroom is downstairs and pretty much on the complete opposite end of the house.  Brynn has a very healthy cry but I'm not sure if it would carry that far.  Every night before I go to bed I think "why didn't I run down here when she was crying to see if I could hear her?"  I just never remember.  There was one morning I woke up, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and thought "Wow this is the first time I've woken up before her."  So I go grab the monitor to see if what she's doing (it's a video one) and she's rollin around.  I put my ear up to the monitor and no sound!!!!  I run upstairs convinced I'm going to find her screaming but she's just talking and looking at the ceiling.  I check her face thoroughly to see if there were any dried tear tracks running down but it seemed fine.  It took me a while to calm down.  I need to test out the distance of her cry. .  that might help me relax.  I also have a little faith in the animals that they would be agitated and wake us up but they're lazy.
The tub:  So apparently I have a subconscious fear of Brynn drowning.  I've had several dreams about her dying in the bathtub.  In reality it is really scary how fast they can turn and suck in water.  It would only take seconds for them to stop breathing.  There have been a few times she's turned her head or rolled to the side, with me looking right at her, and sucked in water.  It scares the crap out of her and apparently creates nightmares in my subconscious!
My clumsiness:  If you know me well you know I'm accident prone.  Now pair that with carrying around a fragile little baby and it scares me a bit.  I'm constantly tripping, stumbling and bumping into things.  So far no permanent damage to either of us.  But I have stepped on her, poked and scratched her.  My biggest fear is going down the stairs and tripping over the cat and not being able to catch myself. 
Life in General:  Then there is the general fears I think all parents go through.  Am I doing the right thing?  Did I make the right choice? Should I have done something different?  And of course the big "WHAT IF?"  Sometimes all those questions overwhelm me and it makes me fear the future and how she might turn out.  I know logically I'm doing a really great job as a mommy and she's happy and chubby. . I mean healthy :-)  I'm sure it will all be fine in the end but I can't help but worry about this amazing little girl we created and wanting the best for her.

Oh The Challenges Part II

Marriage: I would assume most parents would agree that bringing a child into your life changes things. My husband and I talked a lot about how we wanted to try to prevent the shock of this baby changing our marriage.  We had many conversations about "we have to find time to be husband and wife", "we have to work together",  "we have to support and be there for each other".  I don't think any amount of prep can really prepare you for what it's like to bring a helpless little baby home.  It was really hard for me because I was breastfeeding and I was the only one who could get up in the middle of the night plus Ted went back to work.  I was home all day and felt a bit isolated and as the days went by it was hard to to feel resentful or lost or sad even though I was so overwhelmingly happy to have this precious girl.  We were both dealing with figuring out how to be husband and wife AND mommy and daddy at the same time, we struggled to do it well :-)  Now that Brynn is sleeping through the night, happier and a little easier we've been able to find more time to reconnect. I know it will be work but hopefully I'll marriage will be stronger because of it!
Letting Go:  I have learned in the past few years that I am a bit of a control freak. It has been hard to let other people help me.  I want to do it all MY way, on my time, in my order.  Those of you who know me well know I have many pet peeves.  I now have a long list of ones I can add under the subheading: parenthood.  Things, all kinds of things, bug me and I just not sure how to let it go.  I know I have to.  I can't do this all by myself and it's not always going to go according to my plan.  I'm slowly starting to learn how to just take a deep breath and let others (my mom and Ted) do it their way and tell myself it will be just fine :-)
Free Time: Many people told me that I need to take a break.  Do something without my baby.  Get away.  I haven't felt a strong need for that.  I don't want to leave her.  It makes me a little anxious to do it even though I know she is in very safe and capable hands.  However, a few days in these past few months I've just wanted a day to read.  I can do that with her around but sometimes I just want to read ALL DAY without feeding, changing, soothing etc.  That's what I long for.  Not time away or vacations or a break.  Just uninterrupted time to read.  I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting that.

Maybe they'll be an Oh The Challenges Part III???   Stay tuned

The Working Mom

I don't want to work.  I never thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom this badly.  I love teaching and love the getting ready for a new class, and the first day of school BUT I don't want to leave my baby girl!  I have been having anxiety for weeks now thinking about having to sub 3 days a week, having to find daycare that would use our cloth diapers, pumping, Brynn taking a bottle. .  which she doesn't do well at all, soooo many things.  How do people go back to work full time?? She's going to be over 4 months old.  I can't imagine leaving her any earlier.  Why can't we be one of those countries that pays for 6 months of maternity leave.  I get anxious leaving her for a couple hours with my mother who I trust 100%.  I had an interview this week and a tiny part of me hoped they wouldn't like me.  However I was pleasantly surprised when the job was only 3 days a week half days and I could make just as much subbing 3 whole days!!  I actually got excited about this job and thought "I could do this."  If it's only 3 half days my mom will take Brynn and I can relax a little plus I get to be home with her more than I thought.  I have another interview tomorrow and hope it's for a similar amount of time. Wish me luck!!
This year will be hard for us financially for sure.  We're going to have to give up going out to eat, put home improvements on the back burner and cut out frivolous spending.  A very wise mother I know said she never regretted having to make sacrifices in order to stay home and raise her babies.  Maybe we'll have to sacrifice until our kids our a bit older.  Maybe I'll want to go back full time when Brynn is older.  Maybe we won't be able to survive with me working part time and I'll have to go back full time.  Who knows what the future holds.  Hopefully it's something great :-)

Oh the Challenges

My child is currently entering her 13th hour of sleep so I thought I'd try to get something written quick.

I've been thinking about these past few months and all the challenges of parenthood and of life.

It started at about 35 weeks pregnant.  My blood pressure started going up and my body started to swell.  Each week it nudged up a little higher.  Then at 37 weeks I went into the hospital to be monitored over night for preaclampsia and HELLP syndrome.  I'd never been in a hospital before and I can't say the experience was enjoyable.  But my blood pressure went down and so did the swelling.  Off to bed rest for the next 3 weeks. But as a posted before my body didn't cooperate and I ended up having to be induced and then sectioned.  I think I handled all the unexpected pretty well.  There were days I sobbed and asked "Why Me?" and some days now I get angry that I didn't get to experience birth the way I wanted but I have hope some day I will. 

Then while I was home on bed rest I found out that my school was not going to renew my contract and I would not have a job for the following school year.  Talk about stress on top of stress.  But I still tried to stay positive and I kept telling myself "Maybe this is God's way of telling me I should stay home with my baby."  I applied everywhere but no luck.  I'm lucky that I am a teacher and I can sub and at least make money for my family without filling out more job applications and doing interviews.  It's going to be a very hard year for our family.  We're really going to have to give up a lot of eating out, buying on impulse and try to make it work.  Thank God I have this beautiful little girl to cheer me up every day and I'll give up everything to make sure she's happy.

Of course things happen in 3's.  Brynn was almost one month old and I was on my way to a La Leche League meeting and I got in a car accident and totaled my car.  We were both ok. . she actually never even woke up.  We were shopping around for a new car at the time and were going to keep my and trade my husbands.  Isn't there some sort of saying about "When you make a plan God laughs"??  So for two weeks I had to depend on my husband to drive me around (his car is a manual and I never learned!). 

Maybe I'm in denial, maybe I just handle stress well, maybe I really truly believe everything will be alright but right now with all the crap we've had to deal with I'm happy.  Being a parent has truly fulfilled my life and I'm starting to think this is really what I was meant to do in this life.

Baby woke up. . .  stay tuned for Oh the Challenges PART II

Breast is Best

So another decision I had to make as a parent before my baby was even born was "How will this baby get food?"  I can't really remember what made me decide that breastfeeding exclusively was right for us.  ONE of the many great benefits is of course. .  it's free!!  At this time in our lives we would be broke if we were buying $25 cans of formula every few days.  I read more books on breastfeeding then I did about birth or parenting or anything else.  After reading them I just can't imagine why anyone wouldn't choose to.  There are just so many awesome benefits:  antibodies, immunities, comfort, soothing, bonding, closeness, health and probably a ton more I can't think of right now off the top of my head.  I guess I do know why some people choose not to.  It's a really big commitment and it's hard when you're the only one able to feed your baby but in my experience those feelings only lasted the first few weeks when everything was overwhelming, new and hard.  From what I've read and heard from other moms if you don't have an awesome supportive group of family and friends around you people tend to stop and give up.  I was incredibly lucky that Brynn latch on like a champ and aside from having to change positions with her we haven't really had trouble.  The trouble has been more about those well-meaning people who give unwanted advice and make hurtful comments like:
"Just give her a bottle so you can have a break"
"You're just pacifying her"
"She's hungry again??"
"She just ate she's not hungry"
"Once she starts asking for it you have to be done."
"Are you still breastfeeding?"
"Give her a pacifier so she's not using you"
"How long are you going to breastfeed?"   
Now some of these comments I take maybe too personally when someone was just innocently asking a question but really people.  WOuld you ever ask someone "Are you still giving her formula?"  No you assume babies are fed milk . . .when they are babies.  To me those kinds of questions imply that I should be switching to formula or some other form of feeding because that seems like that's just what people do.  Not me :-)  I had a friend a while back confide that she wanted to nurse her baby until she was 2 or 3 and I did one of those "that's too old" comments in my head.  Lo and behold now that I'm a nursing mommy myself, I find myself thinking the same thing.  I love being able to feed my baby.  Especially now when she looks up at me, pops off the boob and gives me a huge milky smile. .  couldn't be better.  So the answer to that last questions:  I'm going to breastfeed until Brynn doesn't want to.  Go ahead roll your eyes, say it's gross, think it's too old once they start talking or having teeth or whatever you're thinking.  Just keep it to yourself please :-)